Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't never interfeer with something that
ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the
harder it
is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort,
it probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
The
biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his
face in the mirror
every morning.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
If you get to
thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody
else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole
lot
bigger'n you think.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Generally, you ain't learnin'
nothin' when your mouth is a-jawin'.
Tellin' a man to git' lost and makin' him do it are
two entirely different
propositions.
Generally speakin', fancy titles and nightshirts
are a waste of time.
Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.
If you're
ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make
sure it's still there.
Some ranchers raise pigs and some will even admit it. Either way, they're
raisin' pigs.
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless
you're out of good whiskey.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
When you give
a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised
if they learn their lesson.
The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven
to
bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when
it's done, eat it.
As for the quiche, continue to let itbake, but otherwise
ignore it.
There's two theories
to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be
ready to have it thrown around by
somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a
whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to
know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The
quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your
pocket.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's
always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the
time to do it
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one
is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone
else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole
purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
It is far more impressive
when others discover your good qualities without your
help.
If you think nobody cares
if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don't
have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it
was probably worth
it.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Give a man a
fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Some days you are
the bug, some days you are the windshield.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
not for you.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a
light side and a dark side and it holds
the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but
weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Before you criticize
someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way,
when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
There is just as much horse sense as ever, but it seems like the horses have it
all.
Do not ask for advice, you might get it.
The person who toots his own horn has everyone
running to get out of the way.
The man who knows how, will always find a place in life,
but the man who knows
why, will probably be his boss.
Death is more universal than life;
everyone dies but not everyone lives.
No one is as busy as the person who has nothing to
do.
In order to know the value of money, a person should borrow it.
Never invite
trouble - it will accept the invitation every time.Return to main Humor
page
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